Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
