Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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