i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
