Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
babies were throwing up all over the place
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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