Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
