Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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