and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
