Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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