I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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