my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
