i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
