Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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