I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
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If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
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The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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