i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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