halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Your topless pictures make me question reality
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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