I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
