u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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