so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
