I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
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