we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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