I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
