So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
