Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
