I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
