Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize