i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
