I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize