That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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