I accidentally burped into my bong.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
