remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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