I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
