I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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