please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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