first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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