I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
