Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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