Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
