by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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