life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
The Olympian is in my bed
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
