I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
whose parrot is this?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
