My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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