Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
