at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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