im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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