it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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