My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
