Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
As shirtless as possible
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
