This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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