Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
