you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
