i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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