if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
