i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
