She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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