just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
