1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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